Christian Living

The List

**This is a poem I wrote after much time in prayer. During this season of fall feasts and teshuvah, I pray it reaches those who are meant to see it. I know it was for someone.

I wrote a list, gave it some thought and prayer, on what I should say, God help me convey…my heart, my pain, my hopes, my perception. It’s misunderstood and hit with rejection. So I wrote it all down, and I did it well, making sure not to miss a thing or misspell. Some things they did wrong are vivid and clear, other memories are fuzzy but it’s here to be clear. Clear that I saw, I felt, I understood. No matter how you say it I know it wasn’t good. 

No, I’m no doormat, my heart’s been broken and bruised. This list says I’m tired of neglect and misuse. I finished it up, it felt good to just say it. No one to say no, discount it or hate it. But then a small whisper, a still small voice. Called to me and said, “I’ll give you a choice.”

Right from the pen of my Maker’s hand, was a list, that seemed to be without end. It was my sins, so many, every time I was wrong. Every thought, every word, every action, every song. This list was perfect, with total clarity, on how I fall short, and I fell to my knees. When I made a list of someone else’s wrong, I became judge, and then the spotlight was turned on. 

Now Elohim, Creator, was judging me. Seeing if I’m worthy, to be judge or decree. Then I heard, “Wicked, unworthy, unrighteous.” The measure I used was judging my bias. So I cried out, “Please erase this list. I don’t want hell.” Once again I heard a voice, “I’ll give you a choice.

Hold on to the pain, the bitterness, every sin. Meditate on it, let it stew from within. But the same measure will be held against you. This list is long, and there’s nothing I can do. Sin is sin, and the wages are death. Or, you can choose this in your next breath.

Love, forgive, let it go. Let me heal you and then you will know. You’ll know how wonderful forgiveness is, when you release everything and learn to give. Love is an action, not mere sentiment. If you truly love, this is evident. Give mercy, give grace, for I gave it to you. And this is the only way to eternity with you. 

My child, I saw everything, all is laid bare. I know who abused you and who wasn’t fair. But I know your sins and failings too. Your pride is really clouding your view.”

So I ripped up the list, and threw it away. Then I heard Him say, “Now you’re loving my way.”

Leviticus 19:18 ESV You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.

Matthew 6:14-15 ESV For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,  but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 7:2 ESV For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

Ephesians 4:32 ESV Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

2 thoughts on “The List

  1. This is brilliant, Laurel!! I am going to give a huge shout out to the Lord as I know it was truly from Him! Thank you for obeying Him. I believe there are times for righteous anger, but what we are to do with that is all written in the Word. We are to bless our enemies.. We are to judge not, for with the measure we judge, we will be judged.
    As I have done a similar thing, (writing a list….and it was LONG), the more I added to the list of assaults me, the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit (Rauch) began to seem louder and louder and more penetrating to my spirit to the point kept hearing in my spirit, ” you know what you are doing? You are bringing more judgement upon yourself and quenching Me.”
    It is almost as if I felt His reproach.
    What is sad is that I didn’t tear up the list. Instead I quit adding to it and looking at like it was some sort of trophy of victory against all those who had wronged me. THEN…. the other day… I read your blog for the first time in a long time. I am definitely one of the ones who were suppose the hear this poem. Again, thank you so much for following the lead of the spirit!!!


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