Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
On Facebook I saw a blog post titled Do You Know How to Want? I paused, took a deep breath, and clicked on the link. It was an uncomfortable yet unbelievably cathartic experience. This author knew me. Understood me. I don’t know how to want. But yet, I do have wants. And I did. I left a comment on that post and something said in response struck very deep.
It’s especially intimidating if you’ve been shamed for wanting in the past.
I have been shamed. Yes.
As I was praying I asked God to pierce me. Let the emotions pour out. I pictured myself taking each tear, feeling, and experience and holding it up to Him.
Abba, take it.
I started off saying things like I want to write. I already am blogging, but in a greater way. I want my autistic son’s healing. I want my husband’s breakthrough in career advancement. I want to do this to decorate that room. I want to get in shape. I want to learn how to sew (knit, crochet, anything.) I want more time and energy to do it. Etc and etc.
I sensed God wanted to dig deeper. I wasn’t really getting to the heart of what I wanted yet.
Then, the volcano happened. No, perhaps just a bursting. It wasn’t explosive. But what poured out was so raw and painful. And healing.
I want love and acceptance. I want to belong. I want to be valued. Noticed. Appreciated.
I want friendships. Loyal, godly, loving friends. I want someone to see me at my worst and still think I’m worthy. I want to matter.
I want support. I’m weary. I want that person that won’t return heartfelt messages to respond. I want that other person that says I’m “obsessive” when I am vulnerable from the weight of my burdens to apologize. To help. I buried those wants.
Then the truth shocks me…
Some things to some degree I had or could have had. Other things I wanted weren’t wants. I was believing lies from the enemy. I don’t have to want to matter; I already do. I don’t have to want to be loved. Maybe certain people don’t as I want them to but I am loved.
My list of wants up to this point were a few desires and a lot of me needing to see my heart and its condition.
Keep going Laurel…
God was telling me to press in. I haven’t got it yet. I’m still in the process. This I know now: my wants are really His wants. Before my birth my Creator had works for me specifically to do. He already knew me. Chose me. I have been hardwired for something. I have recently really started learning what it is. But after the gamut of emotions and intensity in prayer, I found myself saying…
I want to love. I want joy. I want peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self control.
I want to emulate my king.
What do I want? There’s many layers to that. At the moment I want Yeshua (Jesus.) I want to know Abba more. Hear Him more. Love like Him more.
To go back a bit, right now I want godly friendships. I’ve painfully learned some I want do not want me. I pray for them, and look with expectancy at what God has for me. We are not meant to go it alone. Abba knows this.
Today, I want to ask you what you want? Have you truly given it to God? Do you know what He wants of you? For you?
In asking myself what I want I learned there’s shame, deception, pain, and disappointment. But there’s also healing, hope, and Abba calling me to draw near.
At this exact moment I’m thirsty for His living waters. I’m content.
John 4:7-14 ESV A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.)
Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.”
Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”